Friday, November 21, 2008

Emotional Black-out!

Sometimes I feel like I'm just miserable at life, but each time I try to put my finger on what it is I'm doing wrong, I can't tell.

While talking to a classmate recently, I verbally worked out that I may be too emotionally disconnected. There are advantages to this, obviously; many people try endlessly to distance themselves emotionally from a situation so that they can take a rational, objective look at their options. But could it hurt to do this too much? As the beloved(?) Sarah Palin would say, "Yoo betcha!" (Unnecessary.)

Maybe it's just that I spent so much time when I was younger exploring my emotions and following my feelings and listening to my heart. I saw where that got me. Nowhere. Fast. And a lot of times, in a whole lot of trouble, and lonely to boot. Four years of being single seems to have made me a very anemotional being, which saddens me in many ways.

I end up examining relationships (romantic and friend) in a way that seems a little cold and inhuman on reflection. It's almost as if I need a reminder every once in a while that my life doesn't need to be lived as though I'm some sort of diplomatic political figure. Why do my conversations that should be emotional end up sounding like a Christmas card from a lawyer to an especially wealthy client?

Frequently used inappropriate phrases:
"most beneficial"
"more permanant solution"
"an unfeasible move"
"extremely illogical"
"something more specific"
"respect your position"
And the darkest of all non-emotional lines that I've said in an emotional setting in the last few years: "I'm hoping we can fulfill mutually enjoyable roles in each others' lives." ??? Am I writing a legal contract or what? What is wrong with me??

To answer myself with one of my own recent quotes: "Passion is an amazing thing... sometimes I feel my heart is numb to it."

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